I don't think I've ever been so glad to see the end of any year before. We've suffered so many losses, health problems and it just has been one difficult situation after another.
Goodbye, seriously, I really mean - GOODBYE 2009.
What will you bring to me this year? More change? More of the same? New vistas to explore? New friends? Better health? More weight loss (yes, yes, yes!!!)? Will we move? Will we stay?
I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus because I just don't know what to think anymore. Have you ever been like that? People ask me what I'd like to do, where I'd like to move for our next appointment. I just don't know. I really don't have any clue. Actually, I don't really want to do anything at all.
I'm so disconnected. My mind wanders, even when people are speaking to me, sometimes I just don't hear everything they say. I was at the opening of a new centre in a neighbouring city a while ago and I think I walked away from someone while they were talking to me. I'm especially disconnected in a crowd. I used to love crowds, going from one person to the next chatting and laughing. Now I stand there and feel like I'm not really there. What a strange feeling.
Someone told me it would be like this. After the death of someone close - like a mother. And even though I'm like this, I'm really feeling ok about her loss. I've let myself remember her often, cry when I need to, talk about her when I want to...
Christmas Eve I laughed at myself and cried at the same time. Somehow I ended up driving home on my own from the Candlelight Service. It struck me that I would normally have her beside me on the drive and her and I would say...
"Did you enjoy the service tonight mom?"
"Oh yes, wasn't it a lovely service!"
"Yes, it was, wasn't it. Didn't the girls sing nice?"
"Oh, they're soooooo beautiful and sign soooooo beautiful!"
"Yes, they do, don't they."
So I had this conversation with myself. I actually said it out loud! It made me cry, laugh and it felt good. It's funny, but these memories hit me now and then. And I'm ok with that. The tears are coming less and less and the memories are becoming sweeter as the days go by.
That's why I think 2010 is going to be a better year.
I'm ready for a new year.
Take a big breath.
Take a step forward.
Pray like crazy.