The Trouble With Words

I'm having trouble with words.  Writing words, speaking words, hearing words.... words are just giving me a hard time lately.  And yet, here I am putting a string of them together on this page.  But then, I'm just rambling... which I'm wondering if that can be considered "real" writing.  I'm told it is. I'm still not happy about that.  I've always been able to write down what I really want to say.  When something is on my mind, out it flows from my fingers onto the page or rather the screen. 

Up until this past year, they came out sounding just the way I've wanted. But now, even when I manage to formulate a thought, out they come and when I read them back, they're not lined up the way I like and often convey a message or tone I'm not happy with.  It's the same with the spoken word. I find I'm having to explain myself a few different ways so that people understand what I'm trying to say.  Even in my preaching I ramble and my mind wanders and I'm having a mini panic inside wondering "what am I saying? where was I going with this?"  Where are my God given words???!!!

It's me.  I'm not lined up the way I want to be.  The words are just a reflection of a deeper situation. If you read back on this blog you'll see why.  Started last year with anxiety and depression after a year of trying to recover from major surgery.  Then it was topped off with the illness and death of my mother.

No wonder.

See, I know the reason.  I just don't like it. 

And no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself sound light, airy and funny.  But then, not much is funny these days and that's just the way it is.  I laugh and participate in the fun, but inside I'm thinking, "I just want to go lay down and read my book."   

So I'm wondering how I can move forward from this?  I start school in July.  Master of Arts in Leadership.  The two courses I'm taking this summer sound interesting so I'm hoping that they'll light a spark in me that hasn't been there for a while.

And yet, here you are reading my .... written words. Imagine that.

And just in case my words aren't enough for you, here is a light jazzy number.... enjoy! (the words to Words are below...)


Words
a letter and a letter on a string
will hold forever humanity spellbound

Words
possession of the beggar and the king
everybody, everyday
you and I, we all can say

Words
regarded as a complicated tool
created by man, implicated by mankind

Words
obsession of the genius and the fool
everybody, everyday,
everywhere and everyway

Words!
Find them, you can use them
Say them, you can hear them
Write them, you can read them
Love them, fear them

Words
transmitted as we're fitted from the start
received by all and we're sentenced to a life with

Words
impression of the stupid and the smart
everybody, everyday
you and I, we all can say

Words
inside your head can come alive as they're said
softly, loudly, modestly or proudly
Words
expression by the living and the dead
everybody, everyday
everywhere and everyway

Words!
Find them, you can use them
Say them, you can hear them
Write them, you can read them
Love them, fear them